Actor Michael Rooker Spotted in Portland, Entire City Emasculated

From Everyday Portland

February 7, 2012

 

Character actor Michael Rooker, best known throughout the world for his role in Days of Thunder (and among Portland’s geek population as “Merle Dixon” in the AMC television adaptation of The Walking Dead graphic novel), was spotted at Blitz Pearl Sports Pub this morning.

Frequently typecast as the same goddamn Alabama-born bad ass that he is in real life, Rooker, 57, gave a succinct response when Pearl District resident and graphic designer Geoff Blumm inquired as to the purpose of his visit to Portland.

“I was like ‘whoa, oh my god, you’re Michael Rooker!’ and he was like ‘Yeah, I know’ and I was like ‘wow man, what are you doing in Portland’ and he just said like ‘movie’ and walked away” said Blumm. “It was awesome. I think he went pee.”

Word spread quickly that the hardened and intensely good looking actor was in the Rose City, causing quite a stir among men in the area, among them self-proclaimed pop culture guru Ted Friedman.

“We’re all fucked,” said Friedman, “all of the men in Portland are fucked. Whenever someone like [Michael Rooker] comes into town it makes our beards and sweaters and skinny jeans seem totally feminine.”

When asked to expand on his claims that real men emasculate those that live in Portland, Friedman replied, “This happened a few years ago when Harrison Ford was here filming a movie. I lost my girlfriend that year. She went to watch a shoot, just as an observer. She never came home.”

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Editor’s Note: Those of you who follow @RookerOnline on Twitter probably remember seeing this little gem tweeted and twitted all over the internet awhile back. It’s come to our attention that a few beloved fans were upset that they missed seeing Michael in Portland… it’s okay, friends. The article is a parody and all for fun and giggles. Also, we at Rooker Online enjoy a good joke as much as anyone, but take no pleasure in de-masculating bearded men who wear sweaters and skinny jeans.

Thank you for reading, please enjoy!

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